Tales of the Unemployed: Random short stories

Presenting to you my 6 months of hobo unemployed life. Wouldn't call it a waste of time, as i accomplished some goals that i set out for, but probably not the best use of my time as some ambitious alphas will think. Roll it!

I met these fellow failures in life alot because we were 'retrenched' together. Who needs money when you have fellow bankrupt buddies by your side?

Apparently the end of Fedex hit us so hard that we went back 10 years in time and played lan on almost every outing. The computer at home fake one ah?

2017: Uncle Jason bluffing xmms to be his maple stead

We participated in some rehabilitation programmes to curb our addiction of being the bengs that blast Jay Chou songs in lan shops. It didn't work.

Determined to stop hacking zombies or building towers to kill neverending waves of creeps, we started doing touristy stuff.

Here we are taking photos with the mini merlion when the big one was just a few metres behind.

Here i am taking photo of a tourist taking photos of the merlion.

Here we are getting sick and tired of each other.

We got so bored at times that we surprised others at their new found (shitty) jobs. Haha that fucking unglam face.

Hidden underneath this xmm face though, is the most perverse brain i have ever encountered in a girl. That devilish smile...

Spent our bonus ordering women and 吊花 in lupsup ktvs.

We also did some cycling aside from the Ubin and Punggol adventures. This is us having the retarded idea of cycling from Tanah Merah to Marina Barrage on obikes.

3 hours of torturing our sore testicles and vagina later, we basked in the beautiful night skyline of Singapore.. that can be reached in 30 mins via mrt and a short walk. 很没有必要cycle all the way here.

Cyn was motionless and pretty much dead so we left her there for the night.

Organising a bbq is never easy, especially when you have to do all the prep work with this thing. It has to be said though, she did a good job marinating my meat ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Thankfully we had more pairs of hands to help bring the food over to the pit or our arms would have become thicker than Kelvin's.

The fun part of buying groceries, you get to have ice cream!

Knn come beach to play poker cards

Ahh that's more like it... ok nvm let's go back to playing "dai dee"

My 2 big, manly chefs doing some serious barbecuing. Pls just make sure none of that armpit sweat drips onto the food..

The African siblings says hi. Fuck, i was darker.

More and more people arrived later on, some of whom i thought i would never see after our last day. Good to know you guys are still breathing.

~~Star~~ 西瓜-gazing while lying on the picnic mats, one of the best night activities at East Coast park.

脚开大大等你来

Exhausting shit, but hey at least it was fun. See you all in another 10 years!

Most of the time i helped with babysitting my little terror of a niece

ALWAYS BRINGING ME RANDOM STUFF SO I HAVE TO PUT THEM BACK ASJHLDHLHDF

Awww a few months ago you were still spouting gibberish and now you can speak complete sentences

Part of the reason why i'm always late

When she transformed into a little tidehunter and ravaged us with her cuteness

Quite a chore keeping an eye on her from poisoning herself with shit like silica gel, but her adorable antics more than make up for it ❤

I started swimming frequently to look like Joseph Schooling (lul). But not as often as some of these siao ehs on the leaderboard. How do you even swim 1.6k laps?

I didn't manage to look like an olympic swimmer, but i did achieve the colour tone of fried kway teow. Warning: Adult supervision is advised before scrolling down.

I think that was pretty close to skin cancer territory but take a look at that cute white butt in contrast to my burnt skin. Also, if you are feeling horny just cover the top half of the photo and it will resemble a deep, hairy cleavage.

For friends, no favour is too big or out of the question. Unless he wants me to suck his circumsized dick.. THAT would be asking for a little bit too much.

To help him surprise his dearest baobei sayang, i went to buy some flowers.. just a week or so after 6 years ran away hahas...

Even while looking for the flowers, i have to be reminded of this... It's ok. BB heart pain but BB stay strong

But our friendship almost ended during a game of monopoly, which promptly turned into a battle of "who can avoid Sufian's hotel landmines" between Ivy and i.

Wow an old friend whom we haven't met in years. QHBJSJ&TIM

Cousins who were really close playmates when we were young. Now one is married off and hopefully more to come!

Sometimes i had impromptu moments of inspiration. Granted, they were retarded ideas, but ideas nonetheless. On this occasion i rode my squeaky bicycle (due to the weight of my huge balls of steel) all the way to Punggol.

No bottle holder but a genius always finds a way.

The risk was calculated, but man am i bad at math.

Who knew Punggol looked so picturesque at night? Really peaceful and serene as well.

Maybe a little bit too quiet.. Not the best thing to read at 2am.

But sometimes it's nice to be alone and think about the complexity of life. Like if a woman surgically removed her nipples, would it be ok for her to go out topless?

3-4am, not a single soul or car in sight. If my bicycle suay suay broke down here, i would have to walk home with urine stained shorts. Luckily i didn't see anything dirty and made it home safe, thanks to the friendly ah ma dressed in white who gave me directions when i was lost.

Another random outing, with the gayest 1 hour bus ride of my life sandwiched between these 2.

Welcome to the land known as Tiong Bahru, where we journeyed all the way from Tampines just to have a taste of their famous wanton mee.

WTF U SEE THAT LJ SMALL PIECE OF PAPER? U KNOW HOW SICKENING IT IS TO GOOGLE THE PLACE AND IT SAYS YES COME PLS WE ARE OPEN JUST TO FIND A SMALL NOTE SAYING SRY CLOSED TODAY BECAUSE I SHUANG. FUCK. HOW MANY TIMES U WANT TO DO THIS TO ME? At least there were many other choices but i'm still salty as fuck that i didn't get to try it. A MAN NEEDS HIS WANTON MEE.

There has been a history of gender inequality towards the guys in Fedex, and we have been trying to 反清复明 for ages only to sabo each other when confronted by the ladies. For too many lunches we have been forced to sit at the smaller table even when there were more guys. Far too many times we have been humiliated. Long have we awaited and on this day, we called the shots and had the last word! Mainly because none of the females were free that day.

When in Tiong Bahru, look for 西瓜摊 and 西瓜妹.

After emo-ing and crying until my tear glands were dry, i returned to the dating circle. Some of my suitors were quite compatible.

While others, not so much..

As many of you know, i started a food blog to get free food because i cheapo. Here's my first ever food review adventure with Ck while trying to step like the Damn Worth It rub tummy videos.

That day, i realised being a food blogger wasn't such a good idea, especially when i'm stuck with this curse of food places randomly closing. It's ok, with my extreme foresight, i had planned for this. A master planner always thinks ahead and has a plan B.

.....

Is it they got put GPS tracker on me? 老天 how can you be so cruel? What kind of disability is this? Does this mean i can sit on priority seat?

At least SOME places never close. My fellow unemployed buddies who 流浪-ed with me. Those were the days of singing cheap k while others were stuck at work.

Happy birthday Ck!! Except it wasn't his birthday. We just wanted to eat some mochi donuts at BrotherBird.

I can't believe i went back to the exact same place the next day, with another group of delinquents. The desserts weren't even that good.

How do i give my food ratings you ask? It's based on a complex formula of the length x breadth of our erections after sampling the food. For example, dining with Wilson will always result in a food rating of 1 because of his small penis.

Saturdate with Kl on more food hunts. Visiting old school kopitiam and eating hipster blue nasi lemak. Things that i should be doing with my girlfriend... if i had one ; ;

The day we innocently went to Punggol for dinner but ended up as tour guides to a Korean girl.

Did we somehow end up in Malaysia? Why this mrt so lok kok one?

Because we didn't expect Hye Ri to join so abruptly, we ended up having dinner at the famous Punggol Waterway Point Kopitiam foodcourt, then went drinking at Arab street afterwards.

Come to think of it, a tourist visiting Punggol is super ridiculous. Feeling guilty, we brought our new Korean chingu to Chomp Chomp the following night and treated her to a proper Singaporean feast.

Not kidding when we said feast. Showing her the warm Singaporean hospitality and ordering way too much food for 4 people. At least she got to try everything and liked most of the dishes.

Ah now table 满满 happy um chio sibo. Feeding a foreigner is fun. You get to see how they react to our delicacies like sambal stingray, hokkien mee and even sugarcane juice. So fascinating, like those animal feeding programmes at the zoo.

Wa knn i really chaotah jitao camouflage in the darkness. Wait ah i move closer.

Ahhh thats better. Don't get jealous ladies, this wasn't double date. Although she still does occasionally text me to bore me to death about her cafes and books.

Bonus videos:

WHAO OPEN DOOR NO NEED USE KEY IS THIS MAGIC OR AN OPTICAL ILLUSION JIALING?? You think i so easy kenna bluff ah? 明明 is Reagan's dad unlock from inside then run back to sofa sit down step one fingerprint technology.

WHAT IS THIS TECH THOUGH? SHE LIKE, SWIPE TO UNLOCK IPHONE THEN THE FRIDGE DOOR AUTO OPEN LIKE MY LEGS WHEN SHUAI GE WALK PASS OMG I CANNOTTTTT

Pretty sure this is considered beastiality porn.

Teaching my brother how to be a hipster on social media

When i added 2 extra Mcdonald's curry sauce to their mahjong tiles and was sniggering to myself in a corner while waiting for them to find out.

There was a period when we were really enthu about badminton, and things got a little overboard. This was 7am at Tampines Hub. We woke up at 6am to play badminton. 6 fucking am.