Life in Fedex

It's been a crazy 2 years and 8 months journey working in Fedex and i would never have believed you if you told me that my first full time job would result in so many friends and memories that i will treasure for life... 

Okay now that we've gotten the mushy instagram style 客套话 about how i love everyone out of the way, allow me revert back to my usual self. What a fucking job. A few highlights:

◘ A toilet for dispute cases

◘ Witnessed a retrenchment happen to all the perm staff and left behind to hold the fort

◘ Used as a man-slave being the only guy in an all girls lunch group

◘ Drowned in pussy

◘ Fell in and out of love with one of the pussy

◘ Rooftop trysts

◘ Met a few fuckboys and stalkers

◘ Matchmaked with a stingray

◘ Became a slave again for another lunch group
◘ Provision shop owner

◘ Part time counsellor

◘ Hand pillow turned from white to gray

◘ Waistline from slim to fat 

Either way, here's a little snippet into life at Kaki Bukit Rd 3 Techlink lobby A level 4.

The first 3 months were largely unspectacular. I was a shy, quiet boy who preferred to sleep through lunch. They didn't know what i was, i thought to myself. They wouldn't understand how someone can be so perverse. Then she joined and things changed. Stressed to go lunch alone with her, i was forced to ask the other contract staffs to join us. That gave birth to the contractor lunch group that would evolve and last until the final working day. The initial group was made out of all females besides me, which sounds like a dream come true but it really wasn't. This was the beginning of the Fedex man-slavery period, which were dark times...

With my smoking buddies even though i don't smoke. If you look closely at the kim mor siam bu you can see that i didn't have much of a choice. 

And boy was she an intimidating one. Here's an everyday sight of an ah beng and ah lian almost coming to blows during lunch. 

The first ever outing was a drinking session that ended at 3am and having to work the following day. Never again.. 

But it's inevitable that people move onto the next stage of their careers, and what better way to say goodbye than breastfeeding a pinoy lady?

Rewarded with something...different for being a good slave upon their farewell. I still have 2 sexy thongs sitting in my drawer, which ties with Ck's passport photo for the most useless gift i've ever received. God i hope they weren't used...

Occasionally meeting the wolf of techlink for lunch was always fun, before proceeding to the vacant level 7 office to sexualise his colleagues and even the pajiao indian receptionist. 

The Fedex SG team. If you ever had disputes about the invoice for shipping packages with Fedex before, you've probably wanted to punch our faces in.

A rare night's out drinking with the colleagues. Surprisingly fun with Grace 姐 leading us to chiong.

The noisiest neighbour i've had the pleasure of working with, thanks for all the verbal sparring and poring me as 古天乐 just because i'm tan.

My first specialist, a sweet korean lady who never got angry or impatient showing me the ropes. NOONA SARANGHAE.

My second specialist. Tall and chao lao looking, but is actually younger than me. 

Alicia, my understudy and paperwork retrievals slave. Thanks to her i didn't have to put up with an mc taking indian. Alicia 万岁!

Now for the bunch of annoying fucks in the lunch group... 

Introducing my comfy hand warmer pillow. White. Clean. Pure. Only touched by my beautiful face when i k.o on it during lunch.

Here it is being used by Jenny's filthy hands. As a napkin. After a meal. On my desk. Without my approval. When i wasn't around. Little bitch. sorry

And then Kelly rubs his fuckboy perfume smell all over it... My pillow is now filthy and tainted. It sits beside my bed and i can't look at it in the eyes anymore.. All i can think of is how it has been used by so many other people and i just can't overlook it..

But because Kelly and i have a very...special relationship, i forgive him and his gay antics.

Here he is training me as a sofa. Like wtf? When would i ever be required to be a sofa? He has become progressively more touchy ever since our bkk trip that i suspect his r/s with Jenny is just a charade. I knew those caffeine pills would mess up your hormones some day..

Speaking of the disgusting couple, here's how i feel about being their lightbulb and seeing their lovey dovey actions whenever i turn around.

That feeling of contempt is mutual. Made Jenny's eyeballs roll countless times during her tenure as Fedex's ah long.

That disgusted walk away as soon as i started blowjobing the bamboo 10/10

There's this china man whose name is literally horse shit. 

His hobby is stealing the girls' belongings to sniff. Especially that lupsup blanket.

His perverse, satisfied high face after hugging elayne's pillow...

One day he came to work with a hilarious haircut that looks like he 给狗咬.

For some reason, people think my thursday shirt resembles him (?). Hence the "ma sai" shirt.

That time when Kelly almsot bodyslammed him onto the pavement.. and Cyn's amazing quick fingers to capture it down on video.. impressive.

They remind me of Tom and Jerry. Know cannot fight win still die die want to provoke the muscle man.

Even the girls want a piece of him. Feeling the full power of the tigress who we'll be featuring next.

Love-hate relationship, frenemies, that kind of feeling when you want to stamp certified true copy on her beautiful forehead and then wipe it clean because she will murder me in return she's so adorable. This woman has brightened up my bus 15, yet annoyed me throughout the past 15 months.

Showing her true ghostly form, haunting me every single day. Also, she's the one who found my blog and discovered this devil has been living quietly among them. Ever since then, there's been no turning back for me.

What happens if i don't entertain her when she's bored...

小姐,你有病吗? With every passing day i wondered if the upper management decided to hire their contractors from IMH.

Well if you can't beat them, join them.

Of course, being the office 花 comes with some responsibilities, like attracting weirdos left, right and center while we watch the drama unfold from afar.  Season 1. An admirer who has to pass through 2 ERP gantries to quietly stand and watch her work from behind.

The most memorable season 1.5 special, when the 男主角 returned to Fedex to deliver her starbucks while she pretended to be asleep. We were all texting in the group chat at the time, trying to make her shivering giggles under her blanket more obvious to expose her. 

But that did not deter his advances, as he gathered the courage to give her a few pokes. Thumbs up man.

Till this day, that epic moment is remembered and honoured in the form of this masterpiece of a mural, drawn expertly by yours truly.

The exciting season 3 where more drama unfolded, but that is a story saved in a draft for another day. From these pictures we can conclude that Ma Sai was always the instigator, egging on and giving confidence to her suitors to do weird shit.

You may have noticed that i missed out on season 2. Well, it was the result of a fuckboy's prank who thought it would be funny to matchmake me with an introverted colleague nicknamed stingray. She was still nice and friendly enough to invite us to lunch amidst the teasing.

MY FACE WAS LIKE THIS THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MEAL BECAUSE IT WAS FKING AWKWARD. But other than that it was fine i enjoyed my chicken chop. 

Fuuuuuck so awkaaaaarrd. Fuck you though Brandon, for trying to stir shit through facebook even after she left.

My boy Willy who looks 28 but is actually 21 but has the mature mind of 38, showing off his signature pose. 

Although we have disagreements on your taste in women.. you're still young after all.

Without the slow-mo function this video looks extremely retarded.

Whether it's bullshitting around or the numerous deep conversations we had about life, it's always fun with you around and a little part of me died when you left us early.. 

RIP Wilson 1989 - 2017

Ever quiet and reserved, Bernard is not a man of many words. He prefers eavesdropping on us and giggling away by himself, which sounds pretty creepy when you think about it.

Still trying to perfect that 灿烂 tiny eyes smile

Can we just skip her? She's really not that significant, but if i ever had a sister, it would be her. Perverse, shameless, the dark sense of humour, i see my own traits in this xmm (except the stupid part).

Her taste in men is.. unique as well but it's probably just a common flaw with the new generation.

Just another pda couple that we have to live with daily. This is a fucking violation of my rights.

Dumb blonde who didn't check if the old spare umbrella in the office was working before using it. If these kids are supposed to be the future then we are all fucked.

Randomly breaking out into songs is her favourite pastime.

Yep, this girl is crazy.

We have a white horse amongst us who joined due to some family connections. Ally came in as a quiet boy boy, so pure and innocent..

Your aunt didn't know what she was really getting you into though..

"Horny" Jixian ge, one of the 4 monks who silently stare at me, expecting me to start topics.

Our 小妹 Elayne, forever stuck in her own kpop world

Juggling between writing fan fiction and being a hardcore fangirl, some day you will realise that the BTSS > your BTS

Another strange young man, our Jojo took awhile to get used to. 

Our phones always ended up in his hands unknowingly, and he would start surfing our fb or instagram. Here he is getting sniped while trying to snipe me with my phone. 

It was tough to understand that boy, but one thing we had a mutual connection for was the koufu thai food chicken cutlet rice 加蛋. As Joel would put it, it's insane. Of course then he would start comparing of the size of the cutlets to see who was 'luckier'.

Yvonne my 大姐 who is always giving sage advice and always ready to listen to me whenever i need to take a shit. 

She has an addiction to posing dramatically for photos, and sometimes we play along with her.

FedEx Singapore, an international shipping company, provides fast and reliable express delivery and air freight services to more than 220 countries and territories. We also do hairstyling to make sure we look fabulous while serving you through the phone.

Job stress? NOPE they are just batshit crazy.

Lunch was always noisy and fun with you guys. Especially noisy.

Accidentally picked up a friend from another department because, you know, Mr. Popularity. Welp my little stint as cupid didn't work out but at least i got to know another witty person to argue with.

Christmas is always a fun time, though the secret santa was botched a few times due to people changing who their receiver was, it was pretty successful overall.

Some really thoughtful gifts...

I was just passing by to have a shit at level 7 and got dragged into the picture. Notice my kek sai bin while hoping for them to be done fast.

Mass preparing gifts was a tiresome task. Especially when that lady you never talked to, from another team sitting half the office away suddenly passes you a box of pockey and now you have to go get her something in return. Slut.

Definitely felt the love from everyone during the season of giving.

I tried my best to keep my drawers well stocked with snacks to feed the zombies that roam around my desk before and after lunch. This mama shop give them eat until bankrupt.

The cup noodle party that ended up with YS spilling ramyun powder all over Jason. He smelled delicious for the rest of that day.

What happens when there's a blackout in office and you have to entertain yourself with a pillow and a ferrero rocher.

What 2 months of having nothing to do at work does to you.

It's also extremely dangerous to leave your asshole unchecked with guys like ms and me around.

Hot lesbians kissing action in office while male colleague watches on

Hey hands off, those watermelons are mine.

Managed to complete caricatures of the peeps. I think they looked pretty accurate, which was an unpopular opinion with the rest.

A classic prank, and also a warning to her forehead that it's going to be stamped on the final day of work.

I was coerced into this. Forced to stamp 40+ certified true copies and paste them all over her desk, as instructed by Bernard. He stamped 50+. He mastermind. He bad man.

Lunch was the highlight of every working day. Sometimes we slept in..

Sometimes we ordered in pizza (after much indecision)

We've had mcdonalds

We've went out for ice cream...

And felt like not going back... (i see your um chio btw)

We even had time for a fried chicken buffet (which included soju *cough*) during lunch, and almost died from the food coma afterwards.

But look at those happy faces when there's food to stuff into their mouths. Hey Cheryl.

Sadly 3 people in this picture were probably abducted by aliens since we haven't been able to get any responses from them in our group chat.

Not sure if this is my desk or the office pantry. Why are all these hobos hanging around here all the time?

As professionals we agree that it's important to stay focused on work through a little exercise. Which explains why we were playing volleyball with a ball made out of YS's giraffe shawl during working hours.

Can't deny that i enjoyed every moment with these degenerates (yes, even the deafening silence)

From the bottom of my heart, it has been my pleasure to meet every single one of you. I wish nothing but the best for your futures and hopefully, our friendship lasts a lifetime. It's been fun.

P.S to future employers or colleagues who happen to see this, please ignore everything you read here. I'm really a normal human being and good worker.