After not visiting Vietnam for 26 years of my life, i have since went there thrice in the past 2 years. Not that i'm complaining, the prince needs to return to see his loyal subjects. This time, the destination is Hanoi which is twice as far away as Ho Chi Minh city and near the borders of China. As this was a business trip, there won't be a lot of sightseeing in this post but with the help of MS Paint anything is possible.
I thought we would be surrounded by straw huts and have spears thrown at our plane as soon as we landed but Hanoi's Noi Bai international airport was far more impressive than expected. Seeing a Popeyes after customs gave me the assurance that even if the food is shit, at the very least i wouldn't have to starve for the next 4 days.
When i grow up, i want to be as satki as my boss. Sit aeroplane wear like go downstairs dabao cai fan 有够帅的.
Stepped outside expecting to smell Hanoi's fresh mountain air and was immediately choked by a distinct chaotah smell. The air quality was worse than the haze that Indonesia sends us every year. Imagine the amount of pi sai everyone living in this city has.
All complaints went out the window as soon as we arrived at our 5 star hotel. Suddenly the smog turned into chio bu perfume 我们很 ok to smell now.
Plenty of China people were staying here during my visit. Everyday take lift can hear them discuss about eating bats in Wuhan.
Lol this was a room for 1. Being in charge of the travel policy has it perks indeed.
Since we arrived on a Sunday, we took the chance to explore and check out the local vibes. Hanoi is distinctly much more communist looking than HCM city. With each second spent there, i felt the responsibility to pick up a hoe and cultivate some rice to do my part for the country.
Speaking of rice, we had yet to have lunch so we hopped into a random eatery and prayed it wasn't selling dog meat.
I recognise bun cha, having tried it on my previous trip so i was fine with this meal. Not so much for my poor bosses who didn't understand why the grilled pork was submerged in a super sweet zhup and served with tasteless noodles + raw leaves that look like they have been plucked from the tree outside.
Here is my boss leading us around to find a massage parlour with decent looking ladies. You know how paiseh it was to open the door, judge the person's face then say sorry and close door?? We ended up circling the block for an hour before finding one that he was satisfied with. At least it was a good, clean massage and we also got a hair wash just because.
My inner food blogger was terrified eating with the bosses because they walk straight into any random place that sells food without reading any google reviews. And that's what happened for dinner when they chose this pho shop directly beside the massage parlour. The auntie's face looked sibei sian as soon as we entered. I think she just wanted to nua but now have to cook noodles for these 3 gaijins.
Interestingly, this is only my first taste of pho in 3 visits to Vietnam so i apologise to any Viets reading, but noodle soup just doesn't excite me. The broth here was light, bland, and every bit as sian as the auntie's face.
The bosses headed back to the hotel after dinner so it was time for a solo adventure. Here i am on a Grabcar, a convenient and safe option to discover Hanoi. Passed by St. Joseph's Cathedral which was opened way back in 1886 and wouldn't look out of place in a horror movie.
I was on my way to Hanoi Old Quarter, the town centre and where locals and tourists alike come to hangout and zuo bo lan.
I'm not kidding, people are literally just sitting around doing nothing like the pinoys outside Lucky Plaza. But i kinda admire how relaxed and chill the locals seem, a welcome sight compared to the 100km/h lifestyle Singaporeans tend to lead.
The surrounding Hoan Kiem Lake is known for that glowing thing, a temple on an island at the center of the lake. Sounds unique but i have seen a lifetime's worth of temples in Japan so i skipped this one.
The people here mostly resemble dark skinned Chinese, like me when i used to swim daily and had skin cancer. Guess most of their ancestors copulated with the migrants from southern China.
Not too much to see here apart from a massive pasar malam which sold similarly uninteresting products as ours.
That was until i spotted this lady and her roadside bbq which indeed looked very unhygienic and therefore delicious so i just had to get some.
Suddenly got a troupe of children performing er hu is it i accidentally walked until Beijing?
Since beer is dirt cheap in Hanoi, drinking is unsurprisingly the local favourite pastime. Sj, Eug and Vina would fit in well here.
Pretty sure they will also fit in well on this high party train.
I had been having mediocre food all day long so it's time to right that wrong.
The menu at this banh mi place was full of 肉肉. 我喜欢吃肉肉.
I managed to communicate no veggies to the banh mi vendor so i can now officially add Vietnamese into my list of spoken languages along with English, Chinese, Japanese (lupsup) & Thai (half lupsup). That sausage and meat skewer was indeed amazing too. Nothing beats the seasoning of some dirt and dust.
The hotel staff snuck in and left some desserts in my room as a welcome gift while i was out. Fuck, i thought nobody will come in so my dirty underwear was on full display. 全部给人家看光了，我现在怎么嫁出去??
Room tour because i know you perverts are praying for a glimpse of my aforementioned undies. Not to worry, my fan service is always on point.
- Day 2 -
Had breakfast with my boss who suggested trying out banh mi (haha) at a coffee place beside our hotel. I ordered mine with vegetables to show him that i am a responsible adult who takes care of himself but end up he ownself order a no veggie one. Nb in the end i ownself eat until hen shag. But veggie or not, you can tell that it was no doubt a shitty sandwich.
We then traveled to the office for some meetings and colour me surprised when i got to meet Yoo Jaeseok!!! Told him that i have been a huge fan since 2008 but he was dressed in a ridiculous yellow dress and kept speaking in Viet to dodge my fanboy-ing. I guess that's celebrities for you.
Lunch time was exciting because our local colleagues were bringing us out for some authentic Hanoi food and we had no idea wtf was coming.
Okay this place is legit crowded and all the customers seem to be local except for us. I'm calling it, this meal is going to be awesom-
What the fuck is this?? It's like a tiny plain chwee kueh with pig skin and some.. ear wax? To top it all off it was absolutely tasteless.
Then came a prawn salad with what seems like the fiber of sugarcane. It was sweet and weird.
Chee cheong fun filled with vegetables and topped with fried onions and pork floss. This was also sweet and very weird.
Small little fried youtiaos, but sweet.
Clams with lemongrass. WHY IS THIS ALSO SWEET???
The only dish that wasn't sweet that afternoon, Cha Ca aka grilled tumeric fish. 这个我可以.
A table full of dishes but only 1 edible plate. My boss also very confused why every dish sweet until machiam dessert but we had to gei siao keep eat the plain white noodle so they wouldn't think we dislike their food.
But still, we are extremely thankful they took the time out to have a meal with us, especially the Nation's MC amid his busy schedule.
After work, we were brought to their famous drinking alley to drown away our work stress.
Each beer only cost around $1 but too bad i can't drink too much because i'll end up farting non stop.
Our beer snacks were some potato nuggets which were sweet (surprise, surprise), stringy cheese (pretty good), sausages (yum) and kai lan (wtf?).
The drinking sesh wasn't much fun, but it was an eye opener when the police came and all the vendors rushed to push us to the sidewalk. Apparently it's illegal to hog up the roads with tables and chairs, not that there's a difference anyway since their motorbikes can go everywhere.
My boss was suddenly inspired to go clubbing and since i'm a supportive employee how could i say no? It was only 9pm when we entered the club and it was unsurprisingly empty af, just a handful people standing around like waiting for mrt.
After 30 mins, it clearly wasn't going to be the happening party we were hoping for so we decided to call it a night and return to the hotel.
We didn't have a proper dinner so i ordered Grabfood, a service that allows delicious food to be delivered to your doorstep at the touch of a button, for supper. Didn't know what i was expecting when i ordered "rice with pork and mushrooms" but the glutinous rice was weird man. I couldn't make it past 2 spoonfuls but thank god i added on every 料 they had. Also, the delivery fee was only about 80 cents. God bless Vietnam.
One bad thing about working overseas is that i usually have to work late nights to catch up on work. Oh well, tomorrow's the day we complete the training and then i'll be freeeeeee.
- Day 3 -
That's fucking hot. Not the auntie, but the entire office. Their air conditioner had been down for about a month and it was 30+ degrees. I don't know how they managed to continue working in this sweltering heat.
My bosses had flown off but the local colleagues insisted on bringing me out for lunch again and i was so afraid of whatever was coming my way.
Thank god it's boiled duck. Ngl i was half expecting it to be a sweet boiled rat or something.
Just what i needed after sweating my balls off in office. A piping hot bowl of noodle soup to ensure a heat stroke before my training session. It wasn't that good but at least it wasn't sweet.
So the tricky thing about this training is that all 30+ employees here do not speak english. That's fine because we flew in a translator from HCM city who half understands and speaks broken english. That's fine. All fine. Everything will be fine.
After the most arduous training session of my life, i was finally free to explore Hanoi on my own until my flight home the next afternoon.
...their supermarket! Hey lady in black, don't you fucking judge me and my love for grocery stores.
That's something you don't see everyday. A couple of snakes for dinner sounds great.
By this point, i had already given up on Hanoi food and turned to Lotteria in desperation.
Ohhhh yes, I needed this. Food that my tastebuds can recognise. The chicken thigh patty was huge too.
Thinking that i deserve a pat on the back for completing this work trip, i ordered some sashimi to celebrate.
Expected it to be cheaper but it's actually around the same price as SG. Salmon belly is still fatty and downright delicious in any part of the world.
My niece expects a gift every time i return from overseas, so i went toy hunting and saw this beautiful ironing board set. You gotta start training them to contribute from young.
I wasn't too downhearted by leaving because the food has been really weird for me, but it's always a bittersweet feeling when a journey comes to an end.
Before ending the night, i just had to get one last banh mi to tide me over until the next Vietnam trip.
Guess who even managed to sneak an egg inside the sandwich. If not for their weird food, i can definitely live here.
- Day 4 -
I had a few hours to kill before having to leave for the airport, and there's something i had been wanting to try again since my last trip to Vietnam.
A luscious cup of egg coffee, over a view of Hoan Kiem lake. Okay the view wasn't fantastic but twas a pretty chill way to begin the day.
Mmm this was even better than the egg coffee i had previously. So creamy and sweet that it resembles more of a dessert than coffee.
You know i have always been raving about having others dig my ear for me. I finally found a legit Cat Toc and i couldn't be more excited.
I have found heaven. These ladies will pamper you with massages, facials, shaves, ear wax digging and even manicures for a total of ~$10. And i know what you're thinking, there's no happy ending or anything dirty going on here.
The chairs recline all the way so you can relax and even fall asleep but i wouldn't recommend that as you'll miss out on this holy experience. Pls rate my cute socks.
Look at all the shit in my ears. The rubbish accumulated from hanging out with MSE. They also used a tiny brush to trim the minuscule hair inside my ears. I didn't even know that was a thing. My ears are so clean now that i keep hearing strange, bed bouncing noises coming from my parents' room.
Looking at my ear wax helped to whet up my appetite so i decided to give Hanoi food one last chance to redeem itself.
You can't actually go wrong with crispy fried spring rolls so this one no count.
These spring rolls on the other hand.. it's tasteless and the textures are not amazing so remind me again why are these so popular??
Food aside, the service was outstanding. It probably helped that i was the only customer but she was so hospitable and friendly, she even offered me a drink from this mysterious vat of what looks like human ears. I know you shouldn't eat or drink shady stuff given by strangers but she chio so that rule went out of the window.
We exchanged ig and still text each other occasionally so i'll keep you guys posted on our wedding date. The Prince of Vietnam strikes again.
On the way to the airport in my safe and assuring Grabtaxi ride, i passed by Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, the resting place of the legend who defeated USA in the Vietnam war. I'm starting to fall in love with the peculiar, communist designs of the important buildings throughout Hanoi and и мой пенис горит помогите помогите мне нужна вода.
Okay this time really last chance.
Who the fuck uses glutinous rice to make fried rice? The rice was so hard as if someone left it in room temperature for a day to turn stale then fried it to become drier than the Sahara desert. And the chicken machiam cookhouse one sibei gao wei. They really saved the best for the last because this was easily the worst meal of the trip.
But i must say, the Viets know how to do coffee right man. And of course it's fucking sweet too.
And that's the end of this adventure. Mostly shitty food, terrible smog in the air..
..but a city with some of the friendliest people in the world. Everyone i met was so genuinely kind and helpful. We were even given cakes to bring back and share with our team in SG. From colleagues to new friends, thank you Hanoi for making this trip a memorable experience. I return home with a listening ear, and a willing heart... oh wait, wrong wayang speech.
- The End -
Here are some bonus photos of me having a blast in Hanoi!
- Really The End -
1 comment:
oh i miss reading ur blog! hahaha
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