- Day 3 -
Of course 太阳公公 decides to come out on the day i'm leaving this resort. But i gotta say, the resort looks gorgeous basking in the sunshine.
Since i'm essentially Joseph Schooling, i wasn't going to leave without a dip in the pool. Feels good having a private pool all to yourself.
For breakfast, a quick google search brought me to a restaurant that was miles better than anything i ate in the past 2 days. Was it really that hard, Trang?
This is Bo Ne, not because it has many bones. On the contrary, it was a boneless piece of steak with ham, eggs and pate in sizzling pepper sauce. Much better than SWEET CRAB or PIZZA.
Since their colonization, the Viets inherited the love of baguettes from the French. Using the bread as a vessel to mop up all those juices and egg yolk is simply divine. 难道 Vietnamese food isn't bad at all, but rather i was being led to all the wrong places?!
Finally it was time to leave the countryside. Ben Tre you have been great but i can't get used to using leaves as toilet paper. Buildings and technology here i come!
Back in the bustling Ho Chi Minh city, i decided to pamper myself and stay in a nice hotel after my 3d2n outfield.
Room was really spacious and relatively clean. No creepy paintings hung on the walls as well so that's definitely a plus. Okay it's time to conquer this city!...
...after i discover how to cross a road. FUCK ME HOW DO YOU CROSS THE STREETS HERE THERE ARE LITERALLY NO TRAFFIC LIGHTS OR RULES WHAT IS GOING ON.
After a few close shaves, i managed to make it to my first destination, Banh Mi Huynh Hoa. My first authentic banh mi aka sandwich and i could not be more excited.
I almost paid for this 三文治 with my life just to get here so you better be good or i will burn your little restoran down.
My hand signals were not advanced enough to stop them from putting plants in my sandwich but it's k i plucked them out myself and added a few stomps to those strips of cucumber to send a message to the other veggies. Took a bite and my whole world changed instantly. A whole new woooorld~~ okay let's not.
What is this godly sandwich that tastes like the hymen of Hyuna??? The butter + pate combo made every bite of this meaty sandwich so smooth while the chunks of cold cuts gave it a satisfying savoury chew. Best of all? It cost only SGD $2. Ridiculous to think that i have been paying more than triple the amount for subway all these years.
Content and now able to die without any regrets, i confidently ventured across another 10 busy roads to the famous Ben Thanh Market while matrix dodging motorbikes.
This market is kinda like Bangkok's Chatuchak market with mazes of stalls and lots of North Face, Nike & Under Armour knockoffs.
People mountain people sea, people grinding butts on me. It may be a shopper's paradise but it was way too warm and stuffy inside so i escaped this claustrophobic hell very quickly.
Seeing a Takashimaya was like having rain after a long drought. I want your air con all over my wet sweaty body baby.
Since counterfeits were so cheap and rampant in Vietnam, i figured shit would be more affordable in Under Armour's official retail stores. Satki walk in with my superior SGD wallet ready to contribute to their GDP but slithered out in shame like the peasant that i am after seeing the price tags.
As per my food mission, i sampled more authentic Vietnamese cuisine such as this unique dish called Sah Si Mee.
After drying my armpits, the tourist trail continued at Nguyễn Huệ Walking Street.
A huge long plaza with a Bugis Junction fountain and thousands of people you would have thought there was some celebration going on but everyone's just lepaking around.. people watching and drinking bubble tea.. Don't you guys have real hobbies?..
Speaking of bubble tea.. check out this whole building of bbt shops facing the square. Good thing my host wasn't here anymore or we would have visited ALL of them.
I'm naturally attracted to dildo looking things and this tall dildo building definitely caught my attention so i gps-ed my way there.
Isn't it cool? Looks like Iron Man's Stark Tower came to life but we all know who isn't alive 👉👉
Apparently it houses an observatory deck and as a tourist i am legally obligated to go up see see.
Although the streets are a chaotic cluster fuck of traffic and neon lights, it creates a phenomenal view from the top of a skyscraper.
Felt so proud overlooking down at all my loyal subjects go about with their daily lives. Đức vua vạn tuế!!
Confident from my earlier success, i took a shot at navigating back to the hotel with the power of Google Maps. Passed by Ben Thanh market which was now lit up with more neon lights.
Chanced upon a vast pasar malam with more street food and cheap knockoffs. ALOT of touting going on around here probably because they can smell my gaijin scent.
I thought i mistakenly wandered into a portal and teleported to Malaysia. Welcome to little Arab, full of tudungs, kebabs and tons of halal restaurants.
The unintended detour inspired me to opt for a very non halal pork meatball banh mi for dinner. Nuggets of pork are barbecued over MOTHERFUCKING CHARCOAL at a tiny roadside stall, absorbing all the nice exhaust fumes from the passing cars. The aroma was irresistible to any passerby.
Wasn't expecting to wet my panties here but the flair that she exhibited while grilling the meat was simply breathtaking.
Dinner was a strange combo of Viet-Jap-French takeaways from my little expedition around town. And no, i did not resort to eating dog food. That chunk of dubious looking meat loaf is actually paté, chopped liver made into a slice of cake. Ok it definitely tastes better than it sounds. All 3 were yummy although i admit it was starting to feel lonely having supper and spending nights alone overseas without MSE. The gaowei sight of Rea + Jl's condoms, obscene images of Kl humping Yc, opening the toilet bowl and being surprised with shit or shit stains.. i cried myself to sleep that night.
- Day 4 -
Breakfast was complimentary at the hotel but my ancestors would not forgive me if i didn't have breakkie at this popular place known as Banh Mi Hoa Ma.
Such a quaint seating area with knee high plastic chairs and tables decked out all over the alley. Although it was crowded, i was directed to a table immediately without fuss. Ez pink ic.
是不是很有 feel? If like that set up in SG confirm give NEA fine until gaolat gaolat.
While they serve sandwiches here, everyone comes here for the Banh Mi Op La and you will soon understand why..
LOOK AT THIS SEXY SIZZLING PLATE OF SEX. Sausages, ham, caramelised onions, taupok because fusion dish bitch and 2 of the most beautiful sunny side ups you've ever seen. Seriously if this does not turn you on, you need to see a doctor about your sexual organs.
As much as the thought of breaking these beautiful yolks devastated me, i knew it had to be done like when my mom forced me to throw away my chou chou of 20 years because the stuffing was leaking everywhere. With tears flowing down my cheeks, i destroyed them both like the 9/11 World Trade Center towers but in this case my crusty, fluffy bread was the hijacked plane and the result was a delicious mess instead of thousands of people dying RIP.
The creamy yolks, salty sausages and whatever remaining love juice of all the goodies combined was so heavenly that i wish it was bukkaked non stop into my mouth. My vocal moans and body trembles were continuous throughout this meal. All the while, the stranger i was sharing a table with looked on with judgemental eyes, not sensitive enough to understand how special this moment was for me.
After that unforgettable meal, i was so happy i skipped my way to the next food stop. And by skip, i actually meant crawl because the weather was knn hot. Just around the block there was a well known kitchen specializing in Vietnamese chee cheong fun known as Bánh Cuốn Hải Nam.
Having an english menu was kind of a double edged sword because i saw something interesting called crab bladder soup and it intrigued me so much that i got myself a bowl.
The rice rolls are all freshly made at the front of the shop. I made sure to linger around a little longer to ensure no weird ingredients like COCONUT WORMS were thrown into my roll.
Also ordered an ice lemon tea and was stunned to be served with 3 different cups. Hello this is kopitiam don't step one Michelin star restoran serve deconstructed ice lemon tea pls.
My rice rolls arrived nicely presented too. Just gonna ignore that black wormy looking thing in the filling but the qq rolls were stuffed with a generous amount of minced pork and mushrooms. + points for topping everything with a nice spoonful of crispy fried onions.
Crab "bladder" soup was actually shark's fin soup, but using crab instead or murdering sharks so i was technically saving the Earth in case any of you environmentally loving single ladies are reading out there.
Very generous chunks of crab inside and only for $4. That's how much a plate of fried rice costs at CBD area. See? It pays to be adventurous.
Enough eating, back to tourist mode. Here at the War Remnants Museum, you can relive the Vietnam war and how these badass motherfuckers repelled the US from invading our lands. Vinh quang về Việt Nam !!
Actual decommissioned tanks from the war displayed here. Pro tip: The easiest way to destroy these tanks is to throw C4 at them and fast fast run away detonate like in the game Battlefield 2.
Imagine walking along the streets and minding your own business when you look up and see this absolutely enormous metal penis shaped bomb flying down towards you. What a way to go.
Tbh i was expecting more artifacts but it was more of a photo gallery that told the sequence of major events that affected the eventual outcome of the war.
Still, pretty unnerving and incredibly sad to see what one human is willing to do to another in order to survive.
More pew pews but the only machine gun i'm interested in is my own kuku bird.
Spent around an hour reading through the entirety of the war and the moral of the story is to not fuck with the Viets because these mofos are crazy and relentless when defending their country.
The weather was still scorching hot outside so i ducked into the nearest bubble tea shop i could find. The Alley's brown sugar boba milk here was so much better than what i had in SG.
Once the perspiration on my balls had evaporated, i made my way to the Independence Palace for more sightseeing
The Vietnam war officially ended when the Northern tanks crashed through these gates, starting the glorious Viet empire of Xu. 万岁万岁万万岁!
I didn't bother entering because there wasn't anything interesting inside really. Save my $2 can buy 4 pieces of chwee kueh add extra chye poh for free.
The most popz attraction in HCMC is probably the Notre Dame Cathedral. Just my luck that it was under renovation and the surrounding construction metal was pretty unflattering.
Still, it's a nice little European footprint established by colonial French in the middle of busy Saigon and a gathering spot for christians and non christians alike.
I entered the cathedral and it was nice and beautiful and all but then people suddenly started singing their holy song in Viet and since i didn't want to be stoned, i left after just 5 mins.
Right beside the cathedral is Saigon Central Post Office, another historic building from the colonial era.
The building was constructed when Vietnam was part of French Indochina in the late 19th century. It counts with Gothic, Renaissance and French influences. It was constructed between 1886-1891 and is now a tourist attraction.[1] Just straight up copied that from Wikipedia cause i lazy.
It was pretty. Pretty normal. But i can understand why this is an important building, especially for a country that has yet to invent emails.
Next, i walked over to Turtle Lake, a popular hangout venue for youth (especially couples) who buy food from the surrounding vendors and have a picnic on whatever structure that is supposed to be.
Ok first of all, calling it a lake is abit of a stretch. This is smaller than the pond at Tampines park. Secondly, there were no turtles in the "lake" so that was pretty disappointing as well.
I guess if there were really turtles in here the locals would have caught and eaten them up long ago.
Dinner time at Bánh Canh Cua 87 and it was exciting yet intimidating at the same time. A tiny, chaotic crab noodle shop where i was the only foreigner around and all the locals were shouting orders left right center as if the Americans had invaded again.
Worst of all, there was no menu so ordering was kind of a bitch. But good thing my mom gave birth to a genius and i simply pointed to the guy's bowl beside me and signaled 1. Pfft 天才就是不一样.
But all of that mayhem was worth it. Such a sumptuous crabby broth that punches you in the face with flavour with slurpilicious noodles.
It was also full of goodies like nuggets of crab, pig's blood, prawns and a quail egg. This bowl alone altered my view of Vietnamese noodle soup which used to be just boring ol' pho.
Barely able to snap this pink cathedral as my Grabcar passed it to my next destination. Fares are super low here so taking a cab everywhere is the ideal mode of transportation.
By this point those motorbikes do not faze me anymore. Just treat them as other pedestrians who will slow down and shift their bikes to siam you as they approach. That and my travel insurance gave me a peace of mind when crossing the busy streets.
More sightseeing followed. The City Hall of Ho Chi Minh City stands tall and pretty at night illuminated by the lights.
The Saigon Opera House also looking good with its retro European architecture. Unfortunately my low SES is unable to appreciate opera but instead i enjoy watching a Korean guy dressing up as a girl to play Dota on youtube.
Proceeded towards the happening party area of HCM city. Hearing the rowdy crowds and disco music made my body crave for only one thing.
More food, obviously. This is bun cha. Grilled medallions of pork submerged in slightly sweet garlic sauce, usually eaten in a wrap with lettuce and rice noodles.
Hmm maybe the veggie to meat ratio was supposed to be more than this but i'm an ignorant tourist so get off my back, mom.
You can't come to Vietnam without trying some spring rolls. Really crispy but it was stuffed with more veggies and that made me sadder than my past failed relationship.
Okay i know you perverts have been waiting for this. A tour of my hotel room which i definitely did not masturbate in. The sound of traffic outside really sibei kp even close window also cannot block.
- Day 5 -
Last day here so might as well check out the hotel's breakfast spread. That little lump of shit looking thing is pate and it is my new best friend so don't you dare say anything bad about how ugly it looks.
Scrambled eggs were gently fluffy and not too overdone, just the way i like my girls wait what.
With all these cold cuts and ingredients, it was only right to make myself a personalised banh mi. I know i know i should have been a chef instead but then where would Grab be without me?
You know i'm a milo peng person but after hearing all this hype about Vietnamese egg coffee i could not leave the city without trying some. In my mind i'm already fantasizing about chatting with a chio bu over a nice hot cuppa at the cafe.
Hahas 没有人.
Anyway my coffee was served with a thick layer of egg foam at the top. Downstairs, the coffee sibei gao but not bitter. Overall, it was more of a sweet dessert like liquid tiramisu than a coffee and it was really yumz.
Finally, i understand why the Viets enjoy chilling at a cafe and people watching. There's nothing more blissful than knowing you are on vacation and watching other people scurry to work.
As you all know, i'm an avid animal lover mainly because i love eating meat so i made time for a short visit to the zoo. Entrance fee was a measly $4 and i realized why very quickly. Here are my little ponies.
A sun bear that seemed really lonely and desperate for tourists to throw food at it. Pretty depressing stuff.
The last straw was when i saw a tiger enclosure with an open door and no tigers inside. Yeah buddy i'm just going to leave this zoo with some escaped tigers roaming around now. Overall, pretty shit zoo but kinda expected.
What better way to get over the disappointment with yet another banh mi?
Love how they leave all their cold meats at the counter, open to contamination and growing chao sng.
Tried ordering one with a fried egg and it came without meat other than some pate spread :( I vow to return when i have learnt to say 加蛋加肉不要菜 in Vietnamese.
And then i finally found it. A place that has ear wax digging services. Sure, the women here look sleazy af and wear dresses so low cut that it reminded me of the longkang in front of my house but it was totally not lupsup apart from the erection i had when my ears were thoroughly dug clean. I could almost hear the sounds of my own sperm swishing around in my testicles when it was done.
My final meal before leaving Vietnam. In this dirty 不起眼 place called Com Tam Ba Ghien lies a hidden treasure..
Grilled pork chop rice! Well.. the pork chop is somewhere inside, hidden underneath all those extra wu he bo eh ingredients.
The pork chop is grilled over MOTHERFUCKING CHARCOAL which gives it a nice smoky aroma while retaining its juices. The rest of the 'liao' machiam cai png abit waste time got meatball, chinese sausage, steamed egg meat cake and pork skin.
In case you are wondering why i am awkwardly poking stuff on my plate after breaking the yolk, it's because i didn't plan and panicked without knowing what to do after. Anyway, one of the special things is that the rice they use is broken rice, which is a short grain rice that's really different from the Thai jasmine rice that we are used to.
Back to the hotel, packed up and ready to go home. Yes, that straw hat is meant for a very special someone, squeezed in amongst all my dirty clothes and underwear.
The smaller denominations of Viet Dong cash are so featherlight that they resemble hell notes. Btw this is worth a grand total of 35 cents.
Short ride to the airport that has no aircon. Seriously can you just extend the airport out abit to include these eateries so people don't have to eat in the sweltering heat?
Luckily i was flying so i got to enjoy the air conditioning after checking in. Ordered one last iced coffee because it's SO GOOD even though they probably come packed with diabetes in every cup.
Also, a little souvenir for myself so that i can proudly cosplay as the true prince of Vietnam that i am.
Home sweet home. Nice to be back to inhale the haze, use technology like escalators and paying $6 for a fucking 6 inch subway sandwich. So i survived my solo trip with nothing other than a few kgs gained, 2 movies watched, my prejudice of Vietnamese food gone and memories to last a lifetime. I think Ho Chi Minh city would be a great alternative if you get sick of visiting Bangkok. Food is great if you know how to look (i didn't eat a single bowl of pho throughout the trip), people are nice and friendly, transport and things are dirt cheap. Maybe communism isn't so bad after all. Also, shoutout to my host Trang for showing me around her hometown and ticking off my bucket list of eating worms. For the rest of you, try and guess what my next post will be in the chatbox. Never guess correctly no post.
And as for the straw hat, here's my little 越南妹 looking kawaii. Good thing she didn't mind the funky smells from my underwear that contaminated it.
- End of Vietnam trip 2018 -
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