Xin Chao! I have always wondered how travelling overseas alone would be like without those annoying cb zai nans talking about dota. I just don't feel very comfortable travelling together with them anymore. So one fine day i woke up feeling especially adventurous and booked a solo trip to Vietnam. Was pretty hyped until a few days later when i realised i was travelling to Jakarta alone for work anyway..
Typical hao lian photo of air ticket to get the peasants drooling. Really enjoyed my SQ flight experience. After all, the Prince of Vietnam can't be flying on budget air.
Breakfast at BK was the most important thing i did that morning. I had heard about the infamous raw vegetables and fermented fish sauce of Vietnamese cuisine. For all i knew, this could have been my last bite of meat for the next 5 days so i savored my burger to the last morsel.
First sight of pho-land as my plane descended into a relatively modest looking airport. So excited to finally meet my loyal communist subjects!
Tan Son Nhat Airport (Ho Chi Minh City's international airport) was... interesting to say the least. I expected some kind of arrival hall with duty free shopping but after passing through customs i was stunned to find myself outside the airport in the scorching heat.
While my confused first world ass was struggling to comprehend the chaos, some guy tried to scam me by saying my friend arranged for a ride and tried to lead me into his car. Little did he know that i have a lvl 82 Texas hold'em poker account on facebook and called his bluff. PSA beware of these crafty scammers at the airport who will trick you into their cars and charge you exorbitant prices when you get to your destination.
Finally met up with my social escort local tour guide that i found online. Really nice of her to show me around town but maybe next time can wear more clothes? Not that i'm complaining.
For the first leg of the trip, i'll be heading to Ben Tre, a little town on the bank of the Mekong Delta (which is positioned at the anus of Vietnam). An arduous 2 hour drive from the airport awaits, which was similar to how long my flight took from SG-VN.
Wow the music from the radio makes it 100x more communist. Almost got the urge to plant some rice.
Speaking of rice, we decided to stop for lunch at what seems like their version of Yong Peng rest stop and that's when my nightmare began. Being forced to eat a weirdly shaped ba zhang with dubious black bits which kinda looks like bugs. It's even worse when you are surrounded by locals anticipating your reaction so you have to pretend it tastes good and finish the whole thing so you won't kenna 五马分尸. Needless to say, i did not enjoy the mystery ba zhang and till today i have no idea what was in it.
Thank guan yin ma they ordered something else that was normal... Never been more grateful to see a bowl of bee hoon soup.
After a demoralising first meal, we ventured forward deeper into the countryside which was intriguing for a city boy like me. I was looking forward to what my guide had planned for us. Would we be riding horses? Catching fireflies? Kayaking along the Mekong river?
We watched a movie.. A Vietnamese movie albeit with english subtitles. Ok maybe going to the cinema is a luxury here and maaaybe she thought it was an activity that i would enjoy. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt here, especially when the admission ticket cost only SGD$ 4.
After the show, the sky was already dark and it was time for dinner. The first day here was spent literally just getting here to watch a movie..
Sorry not sorry for making this video look like the start of a porno.
On the brightside, i was with a local so dinner was hopefully left in her safe hands. We arrived at a huge restoran which served good seafood as i was told.
This is how you say "Order and pay over there" in Vietnamese.
Cheesy baked oysters. Is she secretly trying to pump up my testosterone levels for the night?
Our deep fried calamari was like those cai png kind cold and soggy one. The breading was so thick that i thought i was eating doughnuts D:
The disappointment would be compounded in the form of a flower crab with tumeric sauce. The sauce was overly sweet like some ice kacang syrup and there was barely any meat inside. So far Viet food has lived up to its terrifying reputation and i wasn't pleased at the prospect of 4 more days of this shit.
As shit as their food is, the Viets are outstanding at their bubble teas.
We sat here for almost TWO HOURS. Sister if i want to drink bbt and lepak i can do it in SG no need sit plane come here see you act cute.
We ended the day with an exciting stroll down nothingness on the streets of Ben Tre. Pretty shit first day tbh but perhaps the next day will get better.
Sent my escort home and then took a random cab back to the hotel around midnight by myself. I was half expecting to be robbed but heng i wear more lapsup than the driver so he gave me a free ride back instead. Win.
- Day 2 -
I stayed at a nice, classy looking resort sitting right beside the Mekong river.
That view is just heavenly with the palm trees and everything. Nice clean hotel and a swimming pool to boot.
Only issue? I seem to be the only guest staying here. Like no joke i seriously did not see a single soul here besides the hotel employees throughout my stay. Says alot about the attraction of this lok kok town.
Time to head down and have breakfast with all my fellow guests.
Jk it's only me.
Pretty typical hotel breakfast with the inclusion of some funky looking ham. The first decent meal since my BK breakfast.
Benefits of being the only guest? There was no line at the egg station. The egg guy was so fucking thrilled to see me that he was beaming from ear to ear. Never seen anyone more enthu to cook eggs in my life.
He kept glancing over to see my reaction so i was abit stress while sampling his eggs. Tasted okok only but i gave some audible "mmm"s just so his feelings wouldn't get hurt.
Up next, a tour of the Mekong river with my guide. Finally some touristy stuff to do!
Of course you are overjoyed at not having to pay for this fucking tour that costs more than Sgd 60 per pax wtf. This river better have gold in it.
Even if it did have gold, you wouldn't be able to tell because the water is murky af. The longkang outside my house has clearer water than this.
Is it you bring me go join Viet Cong? I come here for holiday but why the feeling same as taking ferry to Tekong?
Tour started with a complimentary shot of thick honey water. Bees were hilariously kamikaze-ing into the honey like a bunch of drug addicts.
A candy making tour followed and yes, it is as boring as it sounds.
Have you ever pondered about the fascinating process of making coconut candy?? Neither have i but now i hold the knowledge in case i ever wish to quit my job and start a coconut candy factory.
Now this was something that piqued my interest. An enclosure full of alligators which was pretty fucking dangerous with the low walls and all.
A few dollars buys you the once in a lifetime chance to 'fish' for alligators using a pole with meat attached at the other end. These fuckers were surprisingly agile when jumping into the air to snatch my 肉棒.
My guide wanted to get into a fucking plastic ball on the lapsup river, so we did. Wasted 10 minutes of my life in that stuffy ball and never got to see her zaogeng wtf.
Up next, a quick lunch and there i had the biggest prawn of my life. That's a normal sized rice bowl btw and it could barely fit in. The meat was satisfyingly juicy and tasted more like a lobster but these mutant prawns didn't come cheap.
Holy fuck the amount of 虾膏 inside can instantly give you high blood pressure.
This was something on my bucket list for the trip. Yes, that's right. Fat, juicy live coconut worms that are probably screaming and writhing in pain from the spicy fish sauce they are swimming in.
Don't they look absolutely delicious (and adorable)?
This is the most tongue action i've had in a while. Tasted alright actually. No funky taste to it but the initial explosion when you bite into it was quite the surprise.
The tour continues and for some reason we suddenly had to take a sampan. Hey... are you sure that none of those alligators i fed earlier inhabit this river?
Not quite sure what was the point of taking the boat, but we made it back to the mainland without being decapitated and there, our carriage awaited us.
Quite enjoyed being cinderella for a few short minutes, secretly hoping for my prince charming to chase after me with my glass slipper.
And for the final part of the tour, we were serenaded by a series of random people with some 山歌. After 10 mins of awkwardly pretending to appreciate it, we were finally free to escape the river back to semi-civilisation.
EVERYONE PLS PUT YOUR HANDS TGT AND GIMME AN AMEN. She finally brought me to somewhere that sells legit local food.
1 bowl for $1 *laughs in SGD*
Pictured above, is a normal human being's bowl of noodles.
A Vietnamese bowl of noodles, engulfed in vines, roots and leaves. No, the wind did not blow them into her bowl. Sumimasen are you perhaps a giraffe in disguise?
The rain was not letting up but it wasn't going to stop us from our next exciting activity.. *drumroll...*
Another fucking movie.. I'm just going to accept that this shit town has nothing of interest and they can only spend their time watching movies. Oh well at least i can look forward to some authentic Vietnamese cuisine for dinner.
P I Z Z A ?!?! 讲真的??
You know what? Not even surprised that we were going to have bubble tea after dinner. Within 2 days in Ben Tre, i've learnt that their lives revolve around watching movies and drinking bubble tea.
Great view.. if only that fucking tree wasn't in front of our faces. As kind as my guide was to take time off and show me around, i was elated to be leaving this shithole the next day.
One more movie and i swear i'm going to push you over. just kidding
The 2nd day ended with another exciting stroll down the empty streets. Come to think of it, i did the same exact activities on Day 1 and Day 2 apart from the Mekong River tour. Welp at least that's the end of my 2 days in Ben Tre, home to a cinema, lots of bubble tea and a filthy river. The solo adventures continue in Ho Chi Minh city for the next post and for this leg of the trip, i planned my own activities. Stay tuned.
- End of hell Mekong River adventures -
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